How I Want To Be Found

The story makes my heart hurt every time I read it.

The Garden in Gathsemane.

And I read it again this morning.  Mark, chapter 14, verses 32-38.

Jesus was facing the very thing He had been born into human flesh to accomplish.

Death.

And He knew it was coming.  And He knew they were coming.  For Him.
The perfect One.  The Lamb of God.  The Chosen Messiah.  Teacher, preacher, son, brother, friend.

And as He prepared His heart I can only imagine the fear.  And dread.  And anxiety.  I can only mildly consider for a fleeting moment the panic and dismay that He felt in the hours leading up to His arrest. 

With His beloved disciples... His friends, Peter, James, and John, He entered the lonely garden to pray.

And I have been the one who is praying for a miracle.  The one who is praying for the pain to go away and the hurt to stop.  The one who is praying for the burden to be lifted and for His mighty grace to overshadow the worry and doubt.

But this... this kind of prayer was even different than that.  Because this kind of prayer included a caviot that is missed if not looked at with eyes that long to see the bigger story.  The story of insurmountable love and commitment to the very work He was called to do.

And He never surrendered to His fear.  He could have.
He never forgot what He was created by God to fulfill.  He could have.

He could have chosen an easier road.
The one without stone and blood and whips and suffering.
He could have.
But He didn't.

And we see His human suffering in verse 34.  Standing with His friends He says,

"My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.  Stay here and keep watch with Me."

What Jesus was telling them here was, "agonize and pray with Me."

It was a cry out to his closest confidants.  It was a request He was making of the very ones He had only hours before shared a meal with.  The very ones who had just had their feet washed by a Servant who knew only love, grace and mercy as His mission.

And for all He had taught and for all He had given He had one request:

"Stay here and keep watch with Me."

Just stay here.  Keep alert.  Watch out for Me.

And yet in verse 37 we find that He had returned only to find His three friends asleep.

Asleep?

Jesus responds in verses 37 and 38 this way:

"Simon, are you asleep?  Couldn't you watch with me even one hour?  Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation.  For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

Indeed, asleep!

And I feel as though Jesus was teaching here, "You know, good intentions mean nothing.  Your spirit may be willing, but the body... this human body... it is weak and vulnerable to temptation.  You must pray for the strength to keep going.  To fight."

Because our road is rough too.

We face death every day.  And every day is a choice between death and life.  What we choose depends on this one question... Will we keep watch and stay awake?

I don't want to be found sleeping.
I want to be found praying with eyes wide open.
I want to be found worshipping Jesus with every fiber of my being.
I don't want to be all talk and no action.
I want to be found on my knees, surrendered to the One who could have chose for Himself another way out but didn't.
I want to be found whispering the same words our Savior cried out on the very night He willingly accepted the full weight of His life's calling:

"Abba, Father, everything is possible for You.  Please take this cup of suffering away from Me.  Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine."  {emphasis mine}

And with that was the realization that there was no other way.
No other way than Gods will.

Full surrender through deep grief.

Palms up, prepared to accept whatever He gave.

And that... that is how I want to be found.
Palms up, prepared to accept whatever He gives.

Even if it doesn't make sense.
Even if it isn't my plan.
Even if I stand alone.
Even if... it hurts.

Father God, may I always be found in full devotion to You.  Keep my eyes open and my heart surrendered to Your call on my life.  Less of me, more of You.  Amen.

Finding JOY in the JOurneY,