The Day Grace Found Me in My Imperfect Mess

It was a day, as a mama, I am not very proud of.

And some days... I just plain mess it up.

Some days... are just messy.  And I beg for a little more for Jesus.

My Chloe.  So beautiful here eating a fancy dinner with daddy in 2012. 

The annual Daddy Daughter Dance.  Something they both looked forward to every year.  This year, no exception.  The hunt for the perfect dress, the right shoes, the accessories.

And the hair.  We can't forget the hair.

What girl doesn't ache for this sort of outing with her first love... her dad?  What girl doesn't look forward to this sort of date where for one day all of the attention is on her? 

And she had been.

The make-up was done and the outfit was ironed.  The nylons were on and the jewelry had been delicately placed.  And so she was ready for the curlers. 

And I am not sure why I'm sometimes "that mom".  You know, the one who has to have everything my way and "perfect".  But sometimes I am.  And this was one of those days.

In an attempt to make her hair "perfect", I used what I thought might get her the look her... I wanted.  Long, puffy ringlet curls.

And for the most part, that's what happened, but because this mama was more interested in what she wanted more than what her daughter wanted... it was a complete failure.

And so came the disappointment in her eyes and the disgust from her lips.  And I could feel the tension mounting.  In her.  In me.

And when tension rises and disappointments come... words can sting and they did this day.  The words from my 11-year-old rang loud and clear and maybe because we taught her how to communicate her feelings... always how to tell the truth with her words.  And this truth might have been too much for an already stressful day...

"I HATE it, mom!"

Not sure I wanted to hear that.  After battling raging hot curlers and fumbling over clips and combs I was toast.  And I wasn't cut out for this sort of thing.  And how ungrateful do you have to be?  And now we're running late and I still need to get pictures to highlight this "happy" event.

I could feel the red hot anger swell and I didn't like it.  But as much as I tried to fight it, the feelings came and they took over.  And in a way I am most ashamed of, the curlers ended up... in the trash.  And with the ridiculous act of a 4-year-old temper tantrum I had said words that hurt too...

"FINE!  I give up!  I am DONE!"

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I had said the very words I didn't mean to say.  But in the moment... in a weak moment of selfishness... I had said words and displayed actions to my only daughter that looked less like Jesus than almost anything I had done before that day.

And I was sad.

And so was she.

And in the ugly moments that followed, and through tears shed by both her and I, we felt the bitter pain of anger.

I had read it the other day... again...

"The JOY of the Lord is my strength, and ANGER leaves everyone weak."

And that day... we were weak.

That day I had let my emotions win. 
That day I had allowed Chloe to witness a less-than-perfect, messy mama, who doesn't always get it right.

Because every day is a fight for joy. 

Every day is a battle between good and evil.

And every day we have a choice to overcome evil with good.  To choose joy over anger.  Because joy comes from God and anger... it leaves everyone weak.

And after our weak moments in our anger and sadness, I was able to apologize for the way I had behaved.  And because of grace, Chloe accepted the apology and with a hug we were whole again.

And we took pictures.  Happy pictures that told a different story from a look behind the scenes.

You pray they won't have scars from the imperfect moments.  But maybe we do.
Because I am not perfect.  I am not without blemishes.  I am not superwoman and I don't have all the answers.

I am messy woman with flaws and imperfections and sin and emotions that trump wisdom.  I fail often and I forget the very things I preach more times than I would care to admit.

But I have Jesus.  And His grace found me that day.
In a heaping mess of broken hair clips and a rubble of curlers... grace found me.

And I want grace to find her too.
Because she will have those moments in her life as well.
She will be the mama who tries too hard and fails.
She will be the woman who craves for the better life only to realize it never left her.
Because grace never leaves us.
Grace finds us in the places we need it most.
And grace doesn't give up even when we want to.

Andy Stanley says it in his book, The Grace of God,

"Grace is slow to judge and quick to deliver."

And I had been delivered that day.

"His love covers a multitude of sin." {1 Peter 4:8}

I am still a messy mama who doesn't always get it right.  But through His grace, I am learning how to accept the faults and failures and how to embrace His strength to get me through the rough days.

Because there will be rough days.

And I will continue to fight for joy in the rough days because of His incredible grace.

Finding JOY in the JOurneY,