When You're Not Enough

It's hard being a momma.

And even harder being a momma who is trying hard to love like Jesus.  And forgive like Jesus.  And show grace like Jesus.

It's just hard.

And I see it in the faces of the other mommas that pass by.
Weariness.
Pain.
Frustration.
Deep regret.

And I wonder if they, too, experience mornings like I do.  Ones where words tumble from the lips and silly trivial inconveniences roar like flames from a towering inferno.

I wonder if they, too, experience regrets from the wounds they've left behind on the ones they love the most.

I wonder if they've ever left the house early on a Tuesday morning only wishing they had a re-do button.  Better yet an un-do button.

Because life is difficult.  And this living on the messy side of eternity is just hard.

And my heart aches for the moments I've let slip by where anything but love was demonstrated.

And I read it again... my own words... "If what we believe isn't changing who we are becoming, do we really believe?"  And what now?  How in the world do we answer this in light of a morning where I allowed the temptation to grumble and complain to trump the radical call of Christ to take up my cross and follow Him?

And I do what I know how to do.  Somehow through the tears that invade the space where Joy is being fought hard for in the daily grind, I muster the strength to open His love letter written for me for times like these.

And I see it.

People who also lived with regret.

David.
"I am worn out from sobbing.  All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies."  Psalm 6:6-7
Job.
“Let the day of my birth be erased, and the night I was conceived."  Job 3:3
Peter.
“And the Lord turned and looked at Peter.  And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, ‘Before the rooster crows today, you will deny Me three times.’  And he went out and wept bitterly."  Luke 22:61-62 
God, too?
“And the Lord was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and it grieved Him to His heart.”  Genesis 6:6

And I wonder if there is indeed a reason why He said it.  Because Jesus taught it clearly in Luke chapter 9, "If any of you wants to be My follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow Me."

And I see a reason He told us to take it up DAILY.  Because cross-carrying is heavy.  And He knew we would be tempted to lay it down every single day.  And sometimes sooner than others.

But all is a lesson for those who are willing to surrender to Jesus and let go of selfish living.  

Because this life... my life... it's not about me.  It's not about the disappointing failures, but about the triumphant victories from the pit.  The lessons learned of grace are designed intentionally for the personal rebuilding of Christlike character.

And every day is a fight to the finish line.

And although the journey home is filled with potholes and roadblocks, I will stay the course - - determined to pick up a pen and write a better story.

Selfish living says I am not enough.

Godly living says He is enough.

And His grace covers all my shame and regret.

"Oh give me back my joy again; You have broken me - now let me rejoice."  Psalm 51:8

Go in His grace dear one!  Oh how He loves us!