Is My Heart Right?

And I could hear it, almost as if it were on automatic playback in my head.  Over and over again I could hear the words come up in my mind, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” (Ps 51:10)

Hadn’t I been asking it on repeat for years now?
And yet here I was with another choice to make.

I thought back to the sticky note I had placed in the medicine cabinet of our master bathroom months ago.. “Lord, help me get this right!”

Because if this… this history I’m building with Jesus… this daily pursuit of all things holy… this strenuous exercise of my spiritual muscles… isn’t affecting all of the decisions I make, and changing who I am becoming, then what is it all for anyway?

And I could feel the overwhelming sensation to retaliate the moment it happened.  From the very onset I could sense a wrong sprit within me rise, and truth be told my automatic reaction was not pretty.

I had justified it in my mind.
It’s funny how we are experts in rationalization.
Especially when peace of mind is at stake.
Especially when retribution supersedes redemption as our natural “bent.”

But God would get a hold of my weary heart early. 
And so it is with those who want to do better.
The more we “think about Him”, the more instinctive our response becomes to “pleasing Him.”

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusteth in Thee.”  (Is 26:3)

And I knew the decision I was getting ready to make had more to do with “punishment” and “pay back” than it did “grace” and “forbearance.” 
I knew it the very second the thought crossed my mind.
But vindication is invisible even though it contains the most deadliest potion.

I would look to my husband for help.
Because he knows my heart best. 
He knows how hard I’ve worked.
And He has the most invested in my progress.

I would ask him with a sincere heart to know, “Should I be doing this?  Because I want to make sure my heart is right!”

And I wonder how many bad decisions could be avoided if we simply asked this question?
Asked it of ourselves and someone who loves us best?
Because “I’ve got to get this right!”

The pause in asking that one simple question could change everything. 
“Lord… is my heart right?”  Because I want to be sure before I do this.
I want to be sure before I say this.
Before I make this decision.
Before I go into this environment.
Before I say these words.

Is my heart right?

I want to remember the words in Ecclesiastes 10:2, “A wise person chooses the right road; a fool takes the wrong one.”

Can we be brave enough to say, like David, “Put me on trial, Lord, and cross-examine me. Test my motives and my heart.”  (Ps 26:2)

I find myself saying it to myself often, “I’ve got this one chance to get it right.”

He’s assigned this impossible task, “…to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”  (Mic 6:8), and His order holds within it an expectation of trust and fulfillment.

To do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God.
And I cannot do any of those things with a mind set on revenge.

And so I add it to my long list of increasing memos, to remind myself of the importance of self-reflection before any questionable action: “Is my heart right?”

Because it matters much much more than we think.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”  (Mt 5:8)